living in a sea of regret

Today, while I was talking to one of my roommates, I realized that I have a lot of unresolved "junk" in my life. Some of my relationships with people are not so good, and I think it is one thing holding me back from being really happy. I've realized that my relationships with most of my family members are practically non-existant, while others are distant and downright bad. I have a good relationship with a few close friends, but there are other people who I really care about and just completely neglect (unintentionally!) I haven't talked to my old work since I last worked there in the summer when I swore to keep in touch and I have been feeling guilty about not writing at least once a week. My grandmother is in poor health and getting worse and I only talk to her a couple times a year, and don't really interact with her very much when I do see her.

I am afraid that when I do get around to trying to repair these relationships, or get in touch with these people, that it will be too late to actually do anything. That my brothers and I will just be distant from each other forever, that I will never really know my parents, and that my grandparents will die and I will live in a sea of regret for not listening to all their stories and telling them about myself when I had the chance. That the friends that I wanted to care about and never had the time to will not remember me or will move away and I won't be able to find them. That thought is sad to me.

My mantra has always been that if there is something wrong or out of place in your life, you should change what you are doing.

My excuse is that I never have time. I don't have the time to talk to everyone and write to everyone while I am so busy with my schoolwork. While I guess that is a valid excuse, I know I can do better. If I set a few goals about keeping in touch with the people I want to, I can at least resolve a few of these issues. My goal: to try and connect with 3 people each week that I want to keep in touch with. This week I want to write to my grandmother, contact the office where I worked last summer and write a letter to one of my cousins.

There are some other issues, like my relationship with my parents, which cannot simply be resolved by writing letters or talking-- rather, the fact that we simply cannot communicate on the same level is more of the issue. I never really realized quite how bad it was until A. said "So...your parents really do not know who you are at all, do they? Your relationship can't be very good with them if you can't talk to them about any of the things going on in your life." It never really occured to me that was a problem, but I am starting to realize how unfortunate it is that they cannot see me as a person with real thoughts and feelings instead of just a child who doesn't know anything about how the world works and who can be shielded from things and cannot make choices on her own.

what a yucky week

I am so glad that this week is over. Next week and the week after sure are not going to be fun either, but I'll take them one at a time. I had 3 presentations this week and a project (which got postponed at the last minute, thankfully) and I haven't had very much time to myself just to sit around and think about the way things are going. I also have acquired a cold, which probably became worse by going to bed at 6am and getting up at 8am on Tuesday...

I am about 80% sure that I am going to do study abroad in Paris this summer, which I am very excited about, and it looks like I am going to be on vacation with my family the week before that in Hawaii. The boyfriend is going to try for an accounting internship up in the San Fran area-- I hope he gets that, because it is something that he really wants. I myself am not sure what I will do about working this summer. I'll be unable to week for about 6 weeks straight due to all this vacation stuff, and it's pretty hard to go job hunting and tell people you'll need 6 weeks off! I might just try temping again if I can't find anything, since that seemed to work out well last summer.

I went and saw the movie 300 today, and was really impressed with it. I honestly thought it was being overhyped and that I would be let down, but it was not the case. I recommend seeing it, but I also would recommend watching the program on the history channel about 300 before seeing the movie. I watched it last night and I believe the movie was much more meaningful as a result. We went to Mimi's Cafe afterward, which I had remembered as having pretty good food, but nothing we ordered tasted that great.

I was going to write some other things here, but I can't really recall what...I guess I'll just take care of it later.

Jellies

C'mon, you remember them...jellies! I ordered a pair last week and they came in the mail yesterday. The boyfriend thinks I am completely NUTS and have no fashion taste. In order to test this out, I wore them out last night. I got TONS of compliments on them! They are such fun shoes and people start reminicing about their childhood when they see them...it's kind of awesome:)

blog name

I was thinking over the last few days that my blog name is too cliched. (I love Pink Floyd, but...come on). Any suggestions for a better one?

I was almost thinking of naming it "OMG SHOES" since it pretty much describes a main interest.

college student?

I am running on caffiene alone, because those 2 hours of sleep I got last night are doing nothing for me.
I am eating canned tuna.
There are dirty clothes all over my floor, and I'm not actually sure when I last washed the pair of pants that I am wearing.
I am ditching class so I can do homework for another class.
My desk is covered in tiny sticky notes reminding myself of places to go and times to be there because I really can't remember all these appointments and things.
I would rather order my printer paper from Staples and have it delivered to my doorstep than take the 10 minutes to drive there and back to pick it up.
I tried to put my credit card in the cash-only soda machine today because I don't carry cash.
A computer book is sitting next to my door, where it was thrown in frustration, with a pair of shoes on top of it because I forgot to put them away.
I keep a large stash of energy drinks under my bed.
Can you tell I'm in college?

snow patrol

There was a Snow Patrol concert at school last night. I was going to buy tickets when they first came out, but they ended up being a bit pricier than I had thought they would be, so it wasn't going to work out. Ed and I decided to go check out the concert, since it was on campus and you could hear it by just standing outside the venue. There was a walkway which would have been a great place to chill out and listen to the concert, right behind the stage, but it was surrounded by caution tape. We found this perfect place which actually overlooked the stage from the second floor of Manchester Hall outside. I figured that nobody would bother us because we were pretty far from the stage (despite being able to see it) and there were no signs saying that we were not allowed to be there. But sure enough, after about five minutes a police officer approached us and told us that we were not allowed to be there. Ed started to protest, since there really was no good reason they shouldn't let us be there, and the officer (who apparently couldn't find a good enough reason to make us leave either) called for backup. So we just left. It was pretty stupid-- why couldn't they just have put caution tape on it if they did not want people standing there?

just stuff

Today was a day of rest, mostly! I slept in until 10:30 (unintentionally; nonetheless, it felt wonderful.) My roommate woke me up to tell me that she talked to our apartment manager about renewing our lease but switching apartments. I then headed over to Bloomingdales in Fashion Valley to buy some more foundation and a makeup brush I needed, then spent about an hour in Target picking up miscellaneous things I needed. An old lady who seemed to be a few cards short of a deck came up to me twice and asked me if I had a dollar to give her. I gave her the response I give everyone-- I do not have any cash (I'm a college student-- we don't really carry cash, just plastic). The second time she pointed to my purse and said "But you have that." Made me realize how much I hate people who ask for money.

I then spent the rest of the day napping and working on a large project for my consulting class. Boring stuff.

Study abroad has been narrowed down! I can't do Japan because I'd need to write an admissions essay in Japanese, which is pretty impossible for me. I know a few words of the spoken language (incredibly basic things, like "arigato" for thank you and "doshde" is why) but I have no idea how to write that stuff out! France and Ireland are sounding better and better. My dad thinks that Ireland would be the more fun one. But I'm required to submit like seven writing samples for it! I think France might be more interesting. I have had this big burning desire to visit Paris since...forever. So I am leaning towards that and am looking to make a desicion in the next few days.

My random thought for the day:
I have this professor who is probably the single most professional professor I have ever met, and is the best teacher too. Sometimes I have professors who come to class looking like they rolled out of bed, or they are all out of breath and in a hurry, but this guy is never like that. He never comes wearing anything less than a collared shirt and dockers and looking polished. He is very knowledgable about his field of study and although his class is challenging, it is one of my favorites because I feel like I get so much out of it. The curious thing about this person though, is he never ever talks about his personal life. A lot of students tend to think of him as a robot actually-- there was a joke going around about how he probably goes home and plugs himself into the wall to update his software every day. I visited his office this afternoon and it was kind of boring looking. Most professors have pictures of their families or friends, or at least something indicating their personality or personal life. His office had a few paintings on the walls, and his desk had a few stacks of files and IT periodicals on it, but looked professional and plain. I kind of wonder about those kinds of people, I guess, who try to create a distinct barrier between personal interests and professional life. There certainly needs to be one, but I don't think it hurts to put a little bit of personality in your workplace.

Anyway, I ordered some software that I am waiting for so I can start a project, and I ordered a bunch of shoes from Urban Outfitters that I am waiting for too! But right this minute, I am relaxing and trying to forget I have 10 hours of classes tomorrow. Ick.